Jaimee Eat World

I often struggle with how much time or energy I should put into holding out for something or someone to meet my needs and expectations. Just typing that makes me shudder a bit because of how self-important it comes across, but it’s the truth.

What’s wrong, baby?

On the one hand, it feels inherently wrong to believe that someone who enters your life will or should meet you right at your expectations, and so it’s only natural to wait out the situation to see if they can or will adjust (as with you to them and theirs).

But how long do you do that song and dance before you realize that not only are they are not meeting your expectations, but they may never meet them at all?

In my first few relationships I didn’t really have any expectations because I didn’t see any of them at long term. To imagine the first person you ever go on a date with as your long term partner is actually insane to me; Of course I know there are the odd exceptions, but for most of us those first dates don’t really turn into anything significant. What do you mean your soulmate just happened to grow up a few blocks from you, do you even understand the statistical improbability of such a thing?

But even without having any major expectations at first, I always seemed to have a good sense about when it was time to pull the plug on a relationship. I don’t think it’s right or fair to waste somebodies time when I’m halfway over the fence to Singlesville, and likewise I wouldn’t want them to waste mine.

As I was getting older though, I started to worry if my attitude towards relationships would be the stake in my lovelife’s heart. Surely we all need to compromise and maybe I wasn’t understanding how much compromise it should entail. So I decided to try to be more open and understanding of the time required for someone else to meet my needs and expectations.

And that’s how I ended up committed to the wrong person for 7 years and divorced by 30.

A ghost each place I hide.

I realize now that the reason I was never terribly invested in any of my former relationships is because that has just never been a high priority for me. I’d like to be with someone, sure, but I won’t be with somebody just for the sake of having somebody.

I also realize that I wasn’t exactly given great guidelines or examples of what a good relationship should look like, or more importantly, what it should feel like.

That second part has held me back in more areas than I care to divulge and that really sucks once you understand how utterly crucial it is in our development as people.

I don’t have many memories of my family being happy and all getting along with each other because most of the time we weren’t. If we were getting along, it probably meant we were all doing our own thing and not in the same room with each other.

I don’t have any memories of my parents celebrating big milestones and I to this day could not tell you the date of their wedding anniversary, so I assumed those things weren’t really all that important.

I’m sure they loved each other deeply at one point, but I do believe that was long gone or significantly fading by the time I entered the picture as their 4th-born. I don’t think this story is unique or abnormal for many of us, so we can all share in the grief of it.

My sister has a slightly different memory bank than I do; She remembers some better times and I love that for her. We have both approached relationships, romantic and otherwise, in entirely different ways, no doubt as a result of that.

All of this is to say that my own road map in love has been vague at best and I’ve had to learn through trial and error (so much error) which had the added bonus of calling me to question how often I was the problem, how often I was wrong, stupid, overreacting, underreacting, or unnecessarily unkind.

Those mental gymnastics do some real numbers on your self esteem, I assure you.

And it seems like every time I feel like I’ve turned a corner in correcting the negative way I view myself in some of these prior experiences, someone or something else turns up like clockwork to put me right back in my place. A place of mild self loathing, shame and fear.

And so the process begins again.

And again.

And again.

The problem with allowing yourself to wallow in the pain of your past mistakes is that it doesn’t really do anything to propel you forwards. Contrarily, it actually just sort of digs you into a deep hole that is harder to climb out of with every scathing negative review.

I’ve put myself through the ringer enough times now that I’ve finally found a place of acceptance, compassion and understanding for the things that for so much of my life I let define me.

I’m a highly sensitive person so even the things that for some might be miniscule carry a lot of weight if I allow them; It can take a lot of effort just to keep the little things at bay, so of course the heavier experiences are going to be challenging to overcome.

Once you know that, they become easier to manage and less intimidating to approach, but you have to come at them from a place of empathy.

We all make mistakes, but we are not those mistakes.

If you don’t know, then you don’t.

While I’m sure there will always be some sort of work I can continue to do on myself to make myself into a better version of myself, I’m at least comfortable enough to know now what I want now out of relationships going forward and I feel way more equipped to see the signs of one that is heading towards my needs and expectations.

I’ve been on exactly two dates since finalizing my divorce 5 years ago, which I sometimes worry is a long time to go without attempting to find a partner, but I know that fear is rooted in some ingrained ideal designed by societies who believe that getting married and having children is the only way to find fulfilment in life and I know that’s just not true.

Would I like to have kids one day? Maybe, I don’t know. With the right person, I’d consider it, but I haven’t met them yet and I know that because I haven’t felt it.

I have not felt what it means to be truly in love with somebody. Not once. Not even as I stood at the alter reciting my flawless vows that sounded real nice and pretty, but were completely meaningless. They were what I wanted to have felt in that moment and I know that’s why I said them, but it turns out you can’t fake your way to a happy marriage.

While I have never felt true love, I have felt what it is to be wholly absent of it; In fact I know that feeling quite intimately and that’s gotta be some kind of an asset when navigating the dating pools now.

Within minutes of those dates, I knew I would not find the type of love I needed or expected of my partner with those people. Maybe that’s a bit of a drastic decision to make, but I didn’t feel it, and that is no longer something I am willing to compromise.

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In case you missed the news, Jimmy Eat World have begun announcing dates for the Bleed American 25th anniversary tour. They’re also slated to headline the Vans Warped Tour, so hop over to their website and get your tickets if you’re keen. See you in Toronto in August.