Jaimee Eat World

The other day I woke up and suddenly had a new appreciation for Tears for Fears’ “Mad World”

Stay With Me

I’m a really vivid dreamer. When I dream, I’m an active participant in every part of what’s going on as though I’m literally there in person. I use the same type of logic and reasoning I would outside of dream-land and the experience affects me physically as well as emotionally.

Most of the time my dreams are pretty dramatic. I’m often trying to escape something terrible or save someone else (or my dog) from danger and fortunately I often succeed.

The other day though, I was able to answer that funny age-old question for the first time, “If you die in your dream, do you die in real life?”

It turns out, you don’t. Or at least, I didn’t this time – but holy shit did it ever feel like I really did.

If Only You Could See

I don’t entirely recall the parts of the dream that led to my death, but at some point I was hit with something and instantly knew the wound was going to be fatal. It was not like a blunt object to my head or anything like that, more like a bullet or a stab wound. Something that gave me enough time to realize what was happening.

It was a dreary grey day and I was outside. It wasn’t until I voiced the reality of the situation that anyone else came into the picture. Only two people were around; my mom and my sister.

I audibly explained that I knew I was dying and it was only a matter of time, but that they shouldn’t worry. For some reason I was instantly at peace with what was happening.

My mom didn’t stay – she took off not long after I explained and my sister, well, as I fell to the floor growing too weak to stand on my own, was busy raking the leaves and chattering on about something unrelated.

My own dog Dakota wasn’t around (thank God, he would have had a fit about this), but my sister’s dog River was. River is a little high strung and as usual she was running around the yard like a bit of a lunatic and I was growing a little annoyed with the speed at which she’d run over to me and around me. Like jeez, can’t you see I’m dying here?

I was talking mostly to myself when I explained that the reason I was okay with dying like this is that I’d just received an e-mail or text (and did take a few moments on my cell phone to read through it) that explained I’d be returning in Season 2 as a 10-year old girl.

So it was as though this wasn’t real. I wasn’t dying, just my character was dying (am I an actor? How strange). But it really did feel like dying and there were brief moments where I seemed to know that this was really the end for me.

I began to have trouble breathing and my normal breaths became gasps for air as my eyes started to flicker shut – I was fighting it, I guess I wasn’t quite as ready to go as I had sort of suggested earlier.

I got my sisters attention (she really seemed to be in her own little world through this) and she came a little closer to me. In my last few breaths I told her I loved her and not to worry, I’d be back soon.

And then my eyes shut for the last time and… that’s when I woke up.

Keep My Heart

It’s pretty fucked up to close your eyes in your dream just to literally blink and open them up again knowing you just experienced and witnessed your own death.

My heart was racing, or it felt like it was. My FitBit read me at 86 which is still high for someone who’s resting heart rate is much lower than that.

And I immediately cried and for the next few minutes mourned my own death.

I couldn’t help it, it really felt that real.

It took a little while to settle down again, I just laid there in my bed slowly wondering what all that means on a subconscious level. I decided to settle on it meaning it was time for a big change, a spiritual rebirth and fresh start and that put me at ease.

I wonder how many other people have had this type of experience and how bizarre they all must have felt as well. And this was just a dream death – I’ve read and heard stories of all sorts of people who have experiences a real in-person death and the strange experience they felt with that which I have to imagine is even more intense.

I can say, there is a sort of pleasant realization when you’ve woken up from this type of dramatic event – you feel kind of lucky.

If I had really died, that’s it, game-over, I’m done. But I didn’t so now… and there does feel to be a certain new pressure here, how do I spend today?

I know it sounds at least a little silly given it was just a dream, but the reality is that death can and often is that sudden and unexpected. One day you’re here and the next, you’re just not.

I don’t know how many more lucky days are ahead, none of usever really do, so I’d really like to make mine more meaningful. I’m not entirely sure how to approach that yet, but Dakota is sleeping soundly at my feet right now and that seems plenty meaningful enough for right now.

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Drugs or Me was previously released with the Futures album. Listen to the older version here: