Jaimee Eat World

I have nothing really to share today, though I don’t suppose I do on most days anymore.

Forever Gone

I do feel like it really is gone. The world we once loved, or the one we thought we had. It was never perfect, but it wasn’t the worst and it had a lot of potential.

It really pains me to think about where we are right now, collectively and individually and I’m having a lot of trouble figuring out next steps. We’ve gone so far down the wrong roads I can’t tell if it’s better to turn back or keep trying to move down the one we’re on.

I barely have the energy to consider the options and when I do, I feel like there are no viable ones.

We’re Only Just As Happy As…

I feel like I’ve entered a new level of depression and it is just an absolute abyss with me on its floor.

When I let myself ignore the threat of bankruptcy that looms every time I admit how unstable my means of making an income are these days, the rest of it feels a bit like I’ve succeeded in living the dream. Or, a dream, anyway.

Real To Me

I spend most of my day with Dakota – that’s the most important thing. He’ll be 10 years old next month which is always baffling when I remember how I almost lost him at just 2. This is a true gift.

I spend most of the day working on music – what a way to live! It feels great even though it doesn’t necessarily take me anywhere yet. Teenage me would be confused and impressed. (I am still teenage me).

I’m not beholden to someone elses’ schedule or agenda and that feels like a real accomplishment. Free will! But at a cost – it feels borrowed with a huge markup on interest. I have simply offered myself an expensive loan without a plan to pay it back (no problems there… I’m sure…).

In reality I recognize that I cannot survive on my own without succumbing to some sort of overlord eventually – and that part is tough to deal with and gets tougher with each passing year – this lifestyle is the kind of thing that is more acceptable to do when you are young, not 35 like me.

So I feel like I am being really selfish lately, hanging on to this weird version of my life where I sort of just do what I want with my time as though I owed myself the opportunity after years of meaningless compliance that led… well, here, anyway. It’s a matter of time before it bites me.

That’s the part of me full of a lot of fear and worry about the day when it will be gone and I’ll be back in an office or a warehouse or some other soul-crushing four-walled environment that will provide me with just enough money to eat and sleep and not much else because that’s the world that has been designed for us. That’s the one we’ve all allowed to prosper.

And there are just too many powerful people benefiting off the exploitation of others to be able to drive real change, so I feel we are very stuck. Or worse yet, we are sinking at a rate a little too slow for the majority of us to process. It would explain the lack of urgency.

The world I loved is forever gone because the part of me that believed in it has fizzled down to a sliver and I no longer know how to help it grow.

I’m not sure how that’s supposed to feel like sunshine.

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I released The World You Love upon the initial completion of the Futures album. You can hear the old mix here: