Jaimee Eat World

We’re not out of the woods, but at least we’re still walking.

With Hesitance

To say I’ve been emotionally overwhelmed over the last week would be a gigantic understatement.

I’ve had dogs my whole life, so helping them when they’re sick isn’t exactly new to me, but it never gets any easier to deal with. With Dakota being the first dog that I got myself and having been his primary caregiver since bringing him home when he was 12 weeks old, it’s especially hard to see him in any sort of distress.

The first few days I was a complete wreck and we didn’t even know what was wrong at the time, so I’ve had to catch myself a number of times to tell myself to stop catastrophizing. It’s too easy to get caught up in the worst case scenario, especially when your dog is a senior.

You know when you make the decision to get a dog that it’s likely you will outlive them, it’s just the way it is, but you make the decision to do it anyways because you gain so much from having them as companions. Dakota has truly been the world’s best companion and the thought of life without him is just awful to think about.

For better or for worse (worse only because vet bills are always hefty), I wasn’t scheduled to work much this past week, so we’ve spent nearly every moment together. I’m glad I’ve been able to do that because the brief few hours I had to step away earlier in the week were just brutal to deal with. So much guilt and fear.

No matter how much time you have, it never feels like enough.

I’m Making My Peace

As a result of the heaviness this has brought, I haven’t been taking great care of myself, either, and obviously that doesn’t really help either of us. I’m working on it, but progress is slow.

Although I don’t currently live alone, I often feel as though I do. The people I live with just don’t have the capacity or understanding of how to be helpful when going through something like this, so we’ve been sticking to ourselves hanging out in our usual spot in the basement watching bad TV (and some very wholesome TV – the recent season of Love of the Spectrum will make you absolutely melt).

The realization that I just don’t have the type of support in my corner that I wish I had has been its own tough pill to swallow. It’s not exactly new, but like the fear of sudden loss, it just doesn’t ever feel good. We’re on our own with this and I just have to keep trying to do whatever I think is best for Dakota.

His official diagnosis was severe pancreatitis and we also learned he had lost a shocking amount of weight from the time the vet last saw him (back when he had a tumour growth on his paw that needed to be removed – twice). Now with the pancreatitis, he’s on some daily medications and we’ve adjusted his diet, but he doesn’t have any sort of appetite since he started taking his meds and that’s scarier than the diagnosis.

I can manage a special diet for him, but I can’t force him to eat it. He is now noticeably even smaller.

Take Your Steps Away

All things considered he’s in pretty good spirits, is still very alert and happy to see me and the others when they come around. Still drinking water and still enjoying the brief walks we’ve been taking to get out of the basement.

The next steps for us are to keep trying to get him to eat and otherwise, he has an appointment for an ultrasound next week to see if there is anything else contributing to this problem.

His only job right now is to rest and take it easy. Mine is to try to stop catasrophizing any further.

And with the recent reminders that I am my only real emotional support system, I’m trying to show up better for myself; Part of that is returning to the things that I enjoy just for me.

This week it’s Cautioners.