There was a time when I did enjoy my coffee with a cigarette, but I can’t say I miss it.
What Every Townie Kid Dreams Of
There was a distinct period of my life where I’d regularly indulge in the aforementioned, but it was mostly just out of bad habit and something I’d taken to doing with friends after years of abstaining.
It was something to do; An excuse to stand outside for a few minutes because for some reason we felt we owed the world some sort of explanation for that activity.
I didn’t keep the cigarette habit very long fortunately. I never really cared for it, but it became the regular way we’d spend time while talking about the bigger picture – what we were doing with our lives and where we could take them.
That’s the part of it I miss.
As Simple As It Gets
When you’re young the possibilities of your life seem infinite – you can dream wholly and unabashed and the most beautiful part about it is you still believe in the impossible.
That’s not to say you have to lose that as you get older, but the nature of being human has a way of making it more difficult with each passing year to hold on to it in the same way. I don’t believe it ever feels the same as when you’re 19 in a Tim Hortons parking lot sucking back bad coffee’s and bitter darts with your closest friends as you excitedly chat about all your big hopes and plans.
You didn’t have to have it all figured out then, you just got to enjoy the process of life unfolding in whatever way it was. Mistakes didn’t matter, how were you to know any better? You’ll figure it out, you have time.
You could sit there for hours and acomplish nothing and somehow, everything just seemed right where it should be.
You flick another dead butt onto the ground and agree to do it all again tomorrow.
Do what exactly? Nothing. Dream.
Been A Lot Of Places Since
I’m still that same kid on some level while also knowing I’ll never look at the world in quite the same way I did then. It seems so long ago now because I’ve experienced so much more and much of it has worn me down.
I may still sit outside on curbs and stoops just as we did, but now I mostly sit in silence. My dreams and plans are not so certain. They rattle within my head as I jumble the pros, cons and consequences of choosing one or the other and the probabilities of success.
I’m sure my faint memories of those days are being remembered with a rosy hue that didn’t exist then, but the way the world both opened itself up and immediately shut itself back down in the years since can be hard to come to terms with. Time is limited. Opportuntity is scarce. I am not old, but I am not 19.
I’m not wholly dismayed, however. Perhaps my dreams and plans have to take their own respective detours and not all of them will lead to the destinations I expect them, but I can still choose to believe in them.
Maybe one day I’ll even share them outloud again to someone.
That’s not nothing.
I previously released Coffee and Cigarettes, but made some significant changes. You can hear the old cut here:
Jaimee Eat World 
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