While I was out for a walk earlier I came across a military truck. That’s not really a common sight around my hometown, but I guess they must be doing some sort of training.
Keep Moving On
I wasn’t kidding when I told you guys I was considering joining the military. I’ve gone so far as to attend a number of webinars about different jobs and even selected my top 3 and filled out an application.
It’s never really been a dream of mine, but I’m feeling pretty unsure about my future and I know I have to focus on taking care of myself. That’s just one avenue that might help me get a few things in order.
But I’ve reasoned wiith myself a bit about it. I told myself I should still stay the course on my original plan to get myself out west and try to find some stable (non-military) work there. It’s daunting because the job market out in Vancouver is said to be even tougher than Toronto right now, but it is where I want to be so I have to hold out some sort of hope that I might be able to find something and make it work.
The lead up to the drive is scarier this time because I know it might be the last time I can take such big, uncertain leap.
Plus, there has been something else on my mind that really doesn’t fly with the whole commit yourself to 4-5+ years of military service right now.
Choose Starlight
When I was making the decision to leave my ex-husband, a friend of mine was asking me if I ever saw myself wanting to have kids. For a while, I said no, but it wasn’t until much deeper reflection that what I was adament about at the time was that I could never see myself having kids with him.
It would never be something I take lightly. The physical toll itself is a huge deal that I almost can’t even fathom how or if I could handle it, never mind the mental and emotional tax on top of it. I’d have to be at my best to do right by any little being I bring into the world and that means I’d need someone else who’s at their best to help create and nuture us both. He wasn’t that, and I wasn’t convinced he ever would be – you know how that part of the story ends.
I’m now 36 which means the window for me to have kids naturally is closing quite rapidly, and that’s assuming their aren’t already any problems with the plumbing that would prevent it anyway.
When I sat down with the military application, the pause I felt came from the fact that I felt like by going ahead with that commitment, I was firmly closing the window myself before giving myself the chance to meet anyone who might want these things, too.
Choose Starbright
Just as with the looming job hunt in Vancouver, there are no guarantees here. I still might not meet anyone in any sort of reasonable time frame to even have this conversation with them and even if all the stars aligned in such a way to allow us the opportunity to try, it might be for nothing, but I guess I’ve decided I’m not ready to completely give up on the possibility that I might be able to have a family of my own one day.
I do however feel like I have been neglecting these types of conversations with myself while worried about all the other things that have been going on.
I know I may have waited too long already, but as of right now, there is still a light breeze through that open window and the application remains unsent.
Jaimee Eat World 
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